


At Ease, Soldier

by Marvel_Me_To_Tears



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers - Freeform, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Civil War (Marvel), Don't copy to another site, F/M, M/M, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Other Additional Tags/Characters to Be Added, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve feels lost, Steve wants to go home, Steve's mental health/outlook throughout, Unpopular Opinion: Steve's time travel is not as out of character as it seems, mostly follows canon, poor steve, time-travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 21:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19185841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvel_Me_To_Tears/pseuds/Marvel_Me_To_Tears
Summary: Captain America is a leader, a hero. Steve Rogers is only human.Captain America has a team. Steve Rogers feels so alone.Captain America is strong and brave and fearless. Steve Rogers...wants to go home.(A look into the reasons behind Steve’s Endgame time travel )





	At Ease, Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Brief reference to suicidal thoughts
> 
> Spoilers ahead for Avengers (minor), The Winter Soldier, Age of Ultron (minor), Civil War, Infinity War, and Endgame (obviously). I strongly recommend you to have seen all these movies before reading (or at least know the plot), or else you’ll be pretty confused. But that’s just my opinion. Nevertheless, enjoy!
> 
> *A billet is “a place, usually a civilian's house or another nonmilitary facility, where soldiers are lodged temporarily.” Mentioned in the first line.
> 
> Disclaimer: All rights and characters belong to Marvel Studios. No infringement intended.

**2012 (Avengers)**

Steve Rogers has a home, but he would prefer you call it a billet*. It’s old fashioned, most people would say, but to him, it just feels familiar. A feeling he’s severely lacking in these days. Some days he ventures out into the world, one of neon colors and bright, flashing lights. Most days, he doesn’t.

One foot in the ice, one foot out.

Most days he sits at his worn oak table, shuffling through the files of all his friends. The Howling Commandos, Howard, Peggy. DECEASED, DECEASED, DECEASED. The red ink jumps at him. He tears his eyes away to gaze at the paragraphs upon paragraphs detailing their long, happy lives. Tries not to feel jealous. Fails.

Every time he repeats the mindless routine, he skips over Peggy, most noticeably the only one without the red declaration. But he doesn’t call. Because Steve Rogers is a relic of the past. To her, a distant memory, a long lost love. She had a family, a happy husband and now grown-up kids. He can’t intrude, because she’s moved on. He wishes he could do the same.

When he’s feeling adventurous, he rides the subway. He can see hints of its history, the memories of his childhood, but even this action has changed. Kind of like him, adapting to the future, but not quite.

He also takes up boxing, but not really. Because he doesn’t fight people, doesn't crave the power that comes with sweaty skin and breaking bones. No, Steve Rogers had had enough violence in his lifetime. Has had enough violence. Instead, he just wants to feel peace or, better, nothing at all. A punching bag, an inanimate object, gives him the emptiness in lieu of an enemy.

Because he knows, even in this shiny new society, people will still order him to win fights, to punch people. Turns out, he was right.

 

**2014 (The Winter Soldier)**

Bucky.

It had always been Bucky. His best friend defeating the bullies Steve challenged, cleaning up the messes he started but couldn't finish. But then Bucky had fallen, had become a painful memory, had become...the Winter Soldier.

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

Steve flinches, pretends the scathing question doesn't hurt as much as it does. Seems all anyone was doing was forgetting him, carving themselves new niches in this foreign world. It would be easier if he could let go as well, but he can’t forget. Not even if he tried (He doesn’t).

An impossible dream come true, distorted to a nightmare. His protector now a murderer needing to be stopped. So he does what he always does. He squeezes Steve Rogers into a corner of his mind and picks up the shield.

Then Bucky drags him from the Potomac River. Bucky remembers him (he thinks).

And there is hope yet.

 

**2015 (Age of Ultron)**

Steve comes back from his hunt for Bucky dusty and well-worn. Exhausted in more ways than one. He has, momentarily, decided to put his past at rest. So he returns in time for the fight against Hydra. Together the Avengers systematically destroy its many heads. Chop off the very last one.

Then they celebrate, as a team. The liquor flows smoothly and laughs are given freely. For the first time in a long while, Steve Rogers has a family. And he is content.

 

**2016 (Civil War)**

Eventually, Steve had gathered up his well-known courage and given Peggy a call. He paid her a visit, which grew into several, which blossomed into routine. He was grateful for the extra time, but couldn’t help but miss the old Peggy. The one who saw Steve Rogers first and Captain America next. (He loves the Avengers, but they had grown up hearing of Captain America, a man of legend. You really couldn’t move on from that.) She was still in there somewhere, but slowly Peggy started to forget. Forget him.

And now she’s gone. His only solid link home, passed in her sleep. So he carries her casket along with her children, grandchildren. Tries not to feel out of place, tries not to cry. Fails.

Then Sharon speaks. Sharon Carter, Peggy’s great-niece. Because of course the new life he’s trying to build is intertwined with the old. The universe really doesn’t want him to move on, does it.

Afterward, a lithe redhead approaches him, asking him to sign the Accords. Same old same old. That’s not the part he’s surprised about. No, he’s only shocked at what Natasha does after she tries to sway him (he refuses). He’s only surprised when she stays. When, after someone was done using him, they didn’t toss him away, an asset outliving its usefulness. Instead, Natasha stands there and hugs him, and Steve thinks maybe she does see him, Steve Rogers, underneath all the red, white, and blue. After all, Natasha has the most masks of them all.

But he can’t stay with the Avengers. All because of his damn moral compass, because of his past. He’s used to it though. Corrupt governments, public figures gathering money dripping in innocent blood. People in suit and tie coaxing him to agree to their propaganda. Bullies.

But Steve can’t agree with something that goes against his values. That has always been his weakness (strength?)(there is no difference).

Steve Rogers, Captain America. He had always chosen Captain America. Sacrificed himself for the greater good over and over again. But then the news blare headlines, dark and bold. A peaceful gathering of diplomats, a bomb. An explosion, a culprit.

Bucky, the Winter Soldier. Steve isn’t sure which one anymore.

Just this once, he goes with his instincts and chooses Steve Rogers. Chooses Bucky. Because he can’t let the only remaining part of his past be arrested, executed. So he leaves the only family he has known in the twenty-first century. For, he realizes, a virtual stranger. For a man wearing the face of his old life.

“Call me James.” Steve pretends that doesn't sting as well. He understands, he really does. It’s been seventy years. Buc-James isn’t the same person he once was. So he backs off, puts some distance between them.

Turns out, he abandoned his future for his past. And Steve Rogers is ashamed.

 

**2018 (Infinity War)**

They call them the Rogues. The press, that is. Steve doesn’t know what the world at large calls the ragtag band of disgraced heroes. Can’t bring himself to care.

He spends his days waiting for the next villain, reflecting on whether Tony was right. If he really couldn’t live without war, without violence.

“Isn’t that the why we fight? So we can end the fight? So we get to go home?” Tony’s words, uttered long ago, still haunt his memories. Steve wants to yell back, through the fabric of time, “Don’t you _see?_ No matter how hard I fight, my home is _gone_. Has been gone for a long time.” But he can’t, because history is, well, history. So he moves on. Or he tries to.

Scott left first. It never really was his fight. Clint next. They returned to their families. House arrest, the government said. He hopes they’re happy.

Wanda departed eventually. She and Vision breached the vast divide between the two “teams” and reconnected. If only he and Tony could do the same. But Tony hasn’t called, hasn’t reached out in the years that have passed. So Steve Rogers sits back and waits for the next fight.

Thanos arrives in the wake of their weakness and leaves behind a swathe of bloodshed. Steve Rogers reunites with James. He gets a shield. The heroes unite, fight shoulder to shoulder.

They lose.

 

**2023 (Endgame after the 5 year time jump)**

“I keep telling people they should move on.” They expect nothing less of the great Captain America, so he tells them what they want to hear. Tries not to dwell on his hypocrisy.

One foot in the ice, one foot out.

“Some do, but not us.” Not _me_ , he means. _Never me._ Steve tries not to think about which world he refers to. Pre-Thanos, or Pre-Ice. Somehow, he longs for both.

Scott Lang returns, babbling about something called the quantum realm. He sees Tony for the first time in seven years, wishes he could have a family too. Steve is forgiven (kind of) and reclaims a relic of his past (His shield represents his duty, all the things that weigh on him. He loves it, but hates it too.) They (Tony) discover time travel. Seems that’s all he’s doing these days. Stepping forward, looking back.

The Vanished return, tears are shed, and Mad Titans are faced. They succeed this time, but at a cost. Because there’s always a cost. His life, in return for his world. This time the entire universe, in return for his home, and some of those who make it so.

Guess he and Tony will never get to know each other again (more than a few hurried apologies). Natasha will never again stare through him, see him, and just exist with him. More bullet points on his long list of regrets.

But they have time travel, which means Steve can finally go _home_. Wasn’t that the goal all along?

He doesn’t tell Sam, his steady friend for all these years. His best friend. He doesn’t because talking to him would dissuade him from his mission. He has come too far to back out now. Steve comforts himself with the fact that he could change the past. Could save Riley. Then Sam would still have his best friend, his wingman (just not him). (Steve pretends that doesn’t bother him, but he was never very good at lying to himself.)

\-----

“You know,” Steve whispers, “the entire time I’ve been in the twenty-first century, a part of me has always wanted to go back to the old world.” He doesn’t know why he’s telling this to James (Bucky, whatever) of all people. Maybe because he has shared life experience, even if he doesn’t remember. Nevertheless, James only listens, face carefully blank. (Steve tries to convince himself James is Bucky. It doesn’t work.)

“After every fight, the Avengers would scold me for being too reckless, too stubborn to back down. ‘Steve you’re going to get yourself killed!’ they always said. They never understood.”

Steve takes in the lake of Tony’s funeral, carefully avoiding James’s gaze. He pauses, his next words coming in a hoarse whisper. “I didn’t really care if I died out there. Then I would get to see you and everyone else again...Then I could rest.”

James squeezes Steve’s shoulder. He offers no false reassurance, no judgment. Only a matter of fact, “I’m glad you didn’t.” Maybe it’s some old protective instinct flaring up, or maybe he actually cares. Steve just doesn’t know anymore.

“Really?” He knows the look in his eyes is desperate, broken around the edges but he doesn’t care. This is Bucky (right?).

Bucky smiles, his old smile, and suddenly Steve is just a kid from Brooklyn. He misses that guy, all brash pigheadedness. His edges have long since been worn down by loneliness and cynicism. (He really can’t do this all day, no matter how much he wants to.)

“Really,” Bucky replies. And Steve smiles back, for a moment totally at peace. Then he breaks the silence.

“I’m still going back.”

“I know.”

Steve looks up in surprise. “How?” How had Bucky read his mind, even now?

“Stevie, I know you. You don’t back down from something you’ve set your mind to,” Bucky says fondly.

“Huh,” Steve mumbles, “maybe you really are Bucky.” When he realizes he voiced his thoughts aloud, he whips his head around sharply. But his companion doesn’t look shocked, just sad.

“I don’t blame you for doubting me.”

Steve rubs his forehead. This is such a big mess. “I’m not leaving because I don’t care about you, I’m leaving because I can fix things. So you won’t ever have to become this...this…”

“Monster?” Bucky offers.

“No!” Steve hastily backtracks. “So you don’t have to suffer. And then we can both come home from the war.”

“That sounds nice.” The words are bland.

“I mean it,” Steve insists.

“I know. I mean it too. Go back and make things right, so you can finally be at peace.”

“Okay,” Steve agrees dumbly, “thanks.” For some reason, he hadn’t expected Bucky’s blessing. A silver lining.

Bucky smirks at his off-guard response. “No problem.”

But Steve has one last thing he has to make sure of. He asks hesitantly, “Do me a favor and look out for Sam, okay?”

“Of course.” The confident promise puts his mind at rest. The only way he could leave ( ~~abandon~~ ) his two best friends was if he knew they would be there for each other. Sam would do it without his asking. They would probably be close regardless, but Steve had to make sure.

 

The next day, Steve takes the leap. He looks forward, to his ~~pas~~ t future. Steve doesn’t move on, never did, never will. But he’s finally realized that maybe he doesn’t have to.

 

One foot in the ice,

One foot out.

Breathe,

Plunge back in.

Come out on the other side

To warmth.

Welcome,

They say.

Welcome home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A billet is “a place, usually a civilian's house or another nonmilitary facility, where soldiers are lodged temporarily.” Mentioned in the first line (in case you didn't see in the beginning notes).
> 
> There’s isn’t a lot of dialogue in the first parts, but I attribute it to the fact Steve lives kind of in his head, detached from the modern world. (That’s an excuse and I know it) Actually, though, this is a narrative on Steve’s mental health/outlook during the movies. It doesn’t mainly focus on the events, but on how they affect him.
> 
> I may not have agreed with it at first, but I believe canon Steve’s interest in Peggy and decision to time travel make more sense than what can be discerned at first. Unfortunately, a lot of the moments explaining/of character development were cut out of the movies. Here are some links to the deleted scenes. (mostly the Avengers ones relate but both are awesome). Yes, the Avengers and Civil War (partly) scenes were based on/inspired by these.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suBidlofM4g  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8Cg_a3oBbg
> 
> P. S. I felt like I couldn’t just ignore canon (Steggy)(Because it’s a huge part of his character. See, he sees her as his link to the past (as stated) so he latches on), but I also think he wouldn’t end up with her when he goes back in time. (he can’t take her away from her future husband, even if they haven’t met yet.)
> 
> Kudos! Subscribe! Comment! And you'll make my day :)


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